Infomercial Stupidity: A Love Story In GIFs

indestructible snack tray

Whenever people ask me my guilty pleasure I usually say I don’t have one.  Not because I lead a virtuous and abstemious life– on the contrary, it’s because my basic organs of self-regard are so worn down that I feel no guilt no matter what kind of low-brow crap I’m indulging in.  However, I will admit the slightest bit of shame as I tell you this: I love infomercials.  When Ted goes out to exercise on weekend mornings and I am left alone, ostensibly to “be productive?”  That’s MY TIME, baby.  There are whole channels that show nothing but informercials on weekend mornings, and I just can’t get enough.  Yes, Cindy Crawford, I would like to know how I can look nicely tucked merely by rubbing grapefruit extracts on my face!  Indeed, Shaun T, your abs are quite impressive and do seem to the be result of some Insane working out!

One of the things I love so much about them, besides that they are so cheesy, is that they each tend to be a master-class on audience manipulation.  Having my roots in direct response, I love that stuff.  Deadline for ordering?  Classic!  Wait, now you’re doubling the value of the offer?  Good one!  “You could pay $200 for this in stores.” Oh, yeah, baby, way to frame that price high!  And one of my favorite parts is the bit at the beginning that shows The Bad Old Days, back before the soon-to-be-revealed Wonder Product was available, when we sat under boring plain blankets and chopped onions with a knife.  Man, life was so hard back then!

So imagine my delight to find this treasury of GIFs that captures all those moments of sheer infomercial stupidity.  Behold:

woman battles chair

You know, there’s a handy product for people who are frustrated by trying to open up folding chairs.  It’s called a regular chair.

kids can't pour milk

Hey, Mom, might be time to take the kids to the eye doctor.  Last time anyone saw aim that bad, Dick Cheney sent someone to the hospital.

attack of the killer spices

What’s that, Mom?  You’re too busy being attacked by…. um… pill bottles?  Spices?  Old film canisters?  I really have no idea what is raining down in this woman’s face, but she is not taking it in stride.

is it really that hard to open milk?

Ah, this poor dope can’t even get the milk open.  Kids, come help him out.

and the cheetos go flying

Not sure if the Wonder Product here is going to be a better snack bowl, a cordless phone, or an AbRoller for when he finally works his way through that torso-sized bowl of Cheetos.

         

Pans: explain them to me again?

Has this ever happened to you?  If so, you need The Amazing Napkin!  That’s right, The Amazing Napkin!  Order today and we’ll throw in one additional Napkin COMPLETELY FREE!

Uuuuugh, right?  Closing the washer lid is like SO HARD!!!

I don’t know how this woman envisioned her acting career playing out, but I bet in her ideal scenario it didn’t involve getting sprayed with chocolate milk while pretending to plunge a toilet.  I hope they got it in one take.

There’s more, so much more.  Click over if you want to get a small taste for how truly horrific life would be without the treats that infomercials provide.  Would you want to live in that filthy, disorganized hellscape?  I thought not.

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